Professional jokes, some good English jokes about different professions and the world we live in.
All womankind, from the highest to the lowest… love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they choose to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.
Laurence Sterne
Nul mieux que Charlie ne sait que la joke n’est pas une plaisanterie. C’est un devoir et une obligation. C’est le plus délicat des artisanats. La joke est une dictature. Comme l’a dit Rousseau à propos d’autre chose, nous en sommes à la fois souverain et sujet. Nous devons servir la joke. Et ce doit être une servitude volontaire.
Charlie Hebdo
The old idea that the joke was not good enough for the company has been superseded by the new aristocratic idea that the company was not worthy of the joke. They have introduced an almost insane individualism into that one form of intercourse which is specially and uproariously communal. They have made even levities into secrets. They have made laughter lonelier than tears.
G. K. Chesterton
A philosopher with a sense of humour will laugh at a joke instead of performing a post mortem on it; and a philosopher will not be able – however competent he may be otherwise – to teach us a lot about the sense of humour if he himself lacks one.
George Mikes
The Oxford English Dictionary defines a joke as a thing said or done to excite laughter; witticism, jest; ridiculous circumstance: Nuttall’s says: a jest to raise laughs: something witty or sportive; something not serious or in earnest. One could argue that these definitions are
not perfect. But as (a) everybody can argue that no definition is perfect, and (b) we all know what a joke is – I shall not waste too many words on this point.
George Mikes
It is obvious that inventing a joke is a creative activity which should come under the definition of art. Telling a joke is a performance, it is performing art.
George Mikes
The context is the playing surface of the joke; a background, a condition, a set of limiting facts. In Humour, as in usage generally, context may be verbally linguistically, in the understood situation or the general cultural assumption.
Walter Nash
First of all, a joke can put things, definitions, ideas in a nutshell … Secondly, jokes can elucidate things, often more revealingly than long and complicated scientific definitions … A joke or anecdote can prick pomposity and show up cant and hypocrisy better than any other
method.
George Mikes
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A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: “For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: “It’s better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: ” You’re both wrong. It’s best to have both so that when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you’re with your wife — you can do some mathematics.
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
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Mind your own business…
Once I was walking down the road adjacent to a mental hospital. The hospital’s compound had a tall fence separating it from the road. I could hear shouting coming from the other side, the patients were shouting, “13! 13! 13!” On and on and on. I was intrigued. And then I saw a tiny hole in the fence. Even though it felt stupid, I decided to put my eye there and look inside. And as soon as I did, some idiot poked my in the eye with a stick!
All the patients started shouting, “14! 14! 14!”
And that’s how I learned to mind my own business.
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When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.
The professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat “, to which Gandhi replies, “You do not worry professor, I’ll fly away “, and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions.
Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, “Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?”
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “the one with the money, of course”.
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”
“Each one take what one doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down. A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.
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Islamic preacher Zakir Naik got into a taxi in London and told the taxi driver: – Brother, please turn off the radio, because as the Holy Quran says I am not allowed to listen to music, because in the time of the Prophet there was no Western music which is the music of the unbelievers.
The taxi driver kindly turned off the radio, stopped the taxi and opened the door for him.
Zakir asked him: – Brother, what are you doing?
The taxi driver responded politely: – In the times of the Prophet: there were no taxis, there were no bombs, there were no loudspeakers in the mosques, there were no suicide attacks. So shut up, go outside and wait for a camel to pass by.
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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
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A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, “The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam’s rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.” The architect did not agree. He said, “But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect.” The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, “Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?
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In a “Mental Hospital” a journalist asks the Doctor: How do u determine whether to admit a mental patient or not?
Dr: Well..we’d fill a bathtub?? with water and then give
a teaspoon,
a glass, and
a bucket
to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub?.
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket coz its bigger.
Dr: “No, a normal person would pull the drain plug!
Please go to bed No.39. We will start further investigations on you!”
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A new investor came to see a famous stockbroker. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” said the investor. “Of course,” the stockbroker replied, “I charge 1000 $ per question” “Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?” asked the investor “Yes it is,” said the stockbroker, “And what’s your 3rd question?”
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A fellow walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
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A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said: “When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it’s different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
Said the counsellor: “Why complain. You are still getting the same service.
In the corporate world they call it,
*Job Rotation*!”
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Four friends (ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion… One goes to take food while the other three start to talk about how successful their sons have become. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich that he gave his best friend a Jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich that he build his best friend a Castle. No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what’s the buzz all about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons have become and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The others said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. “Oh no!!” said the lady, he is doing good. “Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a Jet and a Castle from three of his boyfriends…” . All the 3 Ladies fainted …
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I took my buddy for a job interview at a camera store the other day.
Before he walked in he knew I’d have a joke lined up, and said “I know you, please don’t give me any of your ridiculous puns , like, be sure to frame your subjects, focus on the details, or it’ll be over in a flash…”
So I punched him in the face, and said: “That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture..”
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”
“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”
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In hell a man passed a room where an economist was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.” An escorting demon jabs the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
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Einstein enters a university for his first day of work. The Dean leads him to the staff room and introduces him to the others professors. “Here is your first colleague, he has an IQ of 180!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics and physics!”
Just then another man moves out to shake Albert’s hand. “I also lecture here and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
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Q: How do you find a small-cap fund manager?
A: Find a large-cap fund manager and wait.
Q: What’s the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying stocks?
A: In the first case you help finance the local community swimming pool. In the second case you help finance your stockbroker’s home swimming pool.
Q: Why was astrology invented?
A: So that economics could be considered an accurate science.
Q: What’s the easiest way to make a small fortune with binary options?
A: Start with a large fortune.
Q: Dad what is liquidity?
A: When I look at my binary options account and wet myself.
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In Italy there are about 60 million people and we know how high is the percentage of morons on national soil. However, in China there are about 1.4 billion people and in India almost 1.3 billion. Therefore I wonder then, if more or less all the world is a small village, with how many morons should we have to come to terms on the territory of this stupid planet. It’s the same the world over, or the world is the same wherever you go!
Carl William Brown
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In the Church of San Giovanni (One of the finest Renaissance churches in Italy) you can see Tintoretto’s masterpiece, “Madonna with Four Saints”. In the Church of San Giacomo you can see Botticelli’s masterpiece, “Two Saints with the Madonna”. In the Church of San Bartolomeo do not miss Tiepolo’s huge canvas, “Madonna with Twenty Three Saints”. In the chapel of San Marco, the focus of attention is Perugino’s small painting, “Madonna with just One Saint”.
George Mikes
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Italians intellectuals are few and far between. This is not a derogatory statement; nor is it a praise… Italy can boast of a number of intellectuals – brilliant and witty. But their number is small – much smaller than in France, England or Germany. The Italians, as a nation, do not read much. Observe a rush hour crowd in London or New York on the one hand and in Rome on the other. In London and New York one person in ten will be without a paper; in Rome one in ten will have a paper. The Italians will watch the women in the bus or tram, the crowd in the street or the passing shop-windows but they do not read.
George Mikes
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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.”
The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”
The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”
The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”
“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”
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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
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An economist was leaving his office building and saw a little boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the economist, “Hey, how would you like to buy a dog.”
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, “How much do you want for your dog.”
The boy told him, “Fifty thousand dollars.”
“Fifty thousand dollars!” the man repeated in astonishment. “What special tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand dollars?” the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, “Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Matter of fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every year.”
The economist felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young man and expounded on how an item had to produce more income than it consumed to equal a purchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the young man, the economist went on his way.
A few weeks later, the economist came out of his office building and the small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, “I see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars.”
The boy said, “No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him.”
The business man was completely flabbergasted. “How did you ever get fifty thousand dollars for that dog” he asked.
“It was easy,” said the boy. “I traded him for two twenty five thousand dollar cats.”
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Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Socialism: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Communism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you as much milk as the regulations say you should need.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. State regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sells you milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoots you.
Liberalism: You have two cows. State doesn’t care whether you exist, let alone your cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
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The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, old St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..) “Hot Dang”, the Pope says to His-self, “If he’s getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!”. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out “Hey Pete! What’s the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?”
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To make a good healthily laugh you can also visit the following pages!
For more information Visit www.daimon.org/hum
