Christmas crackers jokes, Funny Christmas crackers and humorous jokes by English-Culture for your enjoyment and your amusing Christmas Holidays
Christmas crackers are a British tradition dating back to Victorian times when in the early 1850s, London confectioner Tom Smith started adding a motto to his sugared almond bon-bons which he sold wrapped in a twisted paper package. The story goes that he was inspired to add ‘bang’ when he heard the crackle of a log he had just put on the fire. He decided to make a log shaped package that would produce a surprise bang and inside would be an almond and a motto and soon the sugared almond was replaced with a small gift. Originally sold as the Cosaque it soon became known by the public as the “cracker”.
But it wasn’t until the early 1900s that the paper crown was added by Smith’s sons, Tom, Walter and Henry, after he died and gave the business to them. The idea behind the paper crown is thought to have originated from the Twelfth Night celebrations, when a King or Queen was appointed to overlook the proceedings. Then, by the end of the 1930s, the love poems were replaced by jokes or limericks; they’re corny and seldom improve with the telling, but Christmas lunch wouldn’t be complete without the chorus of groans that corny cracker jokes always provoke.
You can make your own Christmas crackers using empty toilet rolls and tissue or wrapping paper; wrap paper around the toilet roll leaving enough paper on the ends for people to hold onto; pop personalised gifts, sweets and jokes into the tube. You can even buy paper crowns and cracker poppers online to complete your festive fun. Then add card or stiffener in the remaining paper to keep its cylindrical shape, before tying or twisting the paper at the end of the tube. Your cracker is now finished and ready to be shared with party guests!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ‘ho ho ho’!
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem!
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?
No Brussels.
What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?
About 5 minutes.
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!
What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!
What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!
What is Santa’s favorite place to deliver presents?
Idaho-ho-ho!
How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS?
All the branches have gone.
What’s David Cameron’s favourite Christmas song?
All I Want For Christmas is EU.
Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it ‘soots’ him!
What’s the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump?
Nothing, they’re both a little orange.
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!
What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
Where does Santa go when he’s sick?
To the elf center!
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!
Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year?
Theresa May.
Why can’t Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches?
Paul Hollywood took all the bread.
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!
Who is the king of Santa’s rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)
What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?
Platforms!
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!
Who is the Music Elf’s favorite reindeer?
Dancer!
Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?
Rude-olph!
Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet?
Because she is sick of F.B.I.
Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?
He couldn’t get past Iceland.
Why don’t reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures!
What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!
Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn’t chicken!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off!
Why are Jeremy Corbyn’s Christmas cards on the floor?
His cabinet collapsed.
Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: ‘That’s some reindeer’ he says.
The Queen replies: ’63 years. Yes, that is a lot.’
What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?
O Comb Over Ye Faithful.
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers!
When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!
What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter ‘Y’!
How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!
What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!
How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!
What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?
Excemas!
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ‘ribbet ribbet’?
A Mistle-toad!
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it’s cool!
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters?
They keep loosing their needles!
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!
What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
You!
What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!
Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well, no well!
Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!
What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?
Mistle-toad!
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!
How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!
What’s the name of the one horse in “Jingle Bells”?
Bob. (Bells on Bob’s tail ring!)
What is the most competitive season?
Win-ter!
Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!
What’s the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party?
Avoid the punch.
Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh?
Because Team GB took all the gold.
Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year?
Dad might, Marmite not.
What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?
A “pointsetter”!
What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!
What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
Season’s Bleatings!
How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad!
How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!
What’s the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Your teeth!
Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness”!
A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.
What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!
What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
My POP is bigger than yours!
What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”!
What do angry mice send to each other in December?
Cross mouse cards!
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
You get “Tinsel”-itis!
I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar.
Foiled again.
Why is Bob Dylan’s sleigh so quiet?
Because it has Nobel.
“Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”
What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!
What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!
What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
“O Tanning Palms”!
What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!
What’s the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents?
Silent Night!
Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
“Holly” wood!
What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!
A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
What is green, covered with tinsel and goes “ribbet ribbet”?
A mistle-“toad”!
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed Mrs. Claus’ yarn?
She had mittens!
What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
This year even the toys are stressed out!
Yeah, they come already wound up!
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
What do you call an exploding Christmas tree?
A Tannen-Bomb!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells!
Why is the turkey such a fashionable bird?
Because he’s always well dressed when he comes to dinner!
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy!
Where does mistletoe go to be an actor?
“Holly”-wood!
Why don’t penguins fly?
Because they’re too short to be pilots!
Why did the mosquito buzz around the bar?
Because he was a “bar humbug”!
What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.
That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!
Where do you keep a Christmas tree?
Between a Christmas two and a Christmas four!
How much difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
All the difference in the world!
Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole!
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A porcupine!
What do Eskimos use to hold their homes together?
Ig-“glue”!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
A Christmas definition:
The time of year when you exchange “hello’s” with strangers and “good buy’s” with friends!
What is white, lives at the north pole and runs around naked?
A polar bare!
What is in December that isn’t in any other month?
The letter “D”!
I know it’s the thought that counts, not the size of the pressie…
But couldn’t people think bigger?
What did one angel say to the other angel?
Halo there!
What kind of music do elves like best?
“Wrap” music!
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders!
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!
Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
Because he had low “elf” esteem!
How long should an elf’s legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
“First, YULE LOGon”!
Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!
What’s the first thing elves learn in school?
The “elf”-abet!
Who sings “Blue Christmas” and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-“elf”-a!
One elf said to another elf, “We had Grandma for Christmas dinner”.
And the other elf said, “Really? We had turkey!”
Why do elves scratch themselves?
Because they’re the only ones who know where it’s itchy!
How do elves greet each other?
“Small world, isn’t it?”
Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, “No L!”
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drum sticks!
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!
What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses!
Where do you find elves?
Depends where you left them!
(You should see the reindeer’s jokes about elves!)
Laugh at Silly Jokes about reindeer!
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
“Horn”-aments!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
Because he didn’t want to be recognised!
How can Santa’s sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail” shop for a new one!
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!
Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!
When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When it’s a baby reindeer!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?
“Rude”-olph!
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!
Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
“Deery” Queen!
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
“Elk”-a-seltzer!
How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!
What’s red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!
Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What’s red and green and guides Santa’s sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!
Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer also works as a maid?
Yup! Comet cleans sinks!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
(It helps to have an elf’s sense of fun to really enjoy them!)
Snort at Silly Jokes about Santa Claus!
Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that’s one of Santa’s favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)
Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!
What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
“Freeze a jolly good fellow!”
What does Santa put on his toast?
“Jingle Jam”
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!
What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!
What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!
What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!
Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!
Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!
Why can’t the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas?
Because they got rid of Allardyce.
Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas?
Tis the season to be Jolie.
What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!
Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!
What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint “Nickel”-less!
What smells most in a chimney?
Santa’s nose!
What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!
What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!
What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!
What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-“toast”!
Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won’t take themselves!
What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!
How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he’s always in the pole position!
What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!
What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like “rain”, “Dear”!
What’s red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!
How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North “Pole”-aroid!
Why does Santa’s sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!
What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A “Holly” Davidson!
Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!
What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!
What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!
Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!
What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!
How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!
What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!
What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!
Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!
How does Frosty the Snowman get around?
On an “ice”-icle!
What does Frosty eat for lunch?
Ice-“berg”-ers!
What kind of mug does a snowman use for lunch?
A Frosted One!
What does Frosty like to put on his icebergers?
Chilly sauce!
What food do you get when you cross Frosty with a polar bear?
A “brrr” – “grrr”!
Why did Frosty go to the middle of the lake?
Because snow man’s an island!
What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder!
What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?
A chill pill!
What falls but never hurts itself?
Snow!
What can bite & nip at your toes but has no teeth?
Frost!
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a shark?
Frost bite!
Who are Frosty’s parents?
Mom and Pop-Sicle!
Who is Frosty’s favourite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
What does Frosty’s wife put on her face at night?
Cold cream!
What does Frosty the Snowman drink to stay warm?
Ice tea!
What does Frosty eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes! (or was that “Frosted Flakes”?)
Where do Frosty and his wife go to dance?
Snowballs!
What does Frosty the Snowman wear on his head?
An ice cap!
Where does Frosty keep his money?
In a “Snow”-bank! (it is cold cash after all! *grin*)
What did the police officer say when he saw Frosty stealing?
“Freeze!”
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-man!
What are Frosty’s favourite letters?
I.C.!
What does Frosty call ice?
Skid stuff!
What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty with a hot flash!
What did Frosty call his cow?
Eskimoo!
What do you call Frosty the Snowman on roller blades?
A snowmobile!
What kind of cake does Frosty like?
The kind with lots of frosting! (or was that icing? *wink*)
Read also:
Christmas tree origin and quotes ;
Christmas markets in England ;
Christmas markets in America ;
Christmas markets in Italy and Germany ;
